


True Self

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alien Rituals, First Time, Light Dom/sub, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-29
Updated: 2007-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-14 04:00:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In order to show their pureness of heart they'd have to perform the ritual which would reveal their True Self.</p>
            </blockquote>





	True Self

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the kinkofthemonth Challenge "Marking".
> 
> Many thanks to rasah, secondalto and lavvyan for doing superquick last minute betas and making this so much better!

"There isn't even a window in here."

The guards didn't seem to care about Rodney's complaint and simply pushed him and Sheppard into the little hut, before closing and locking the door.

Rodney took in the sparse interior: There were no tables or chairs, so they could only stand or sit on the ground. Candles were mounted to the walls in all four corners of the room, but they did little to make the room any less dark. Between the candles furs hung on the walls.

Rodney took down one of these furs and put it on the floor, which was made of the same dark wood that covered every surface of the small square room. He sat down, making a face, because he didn't see why this ritual couldn't be performed just as well with them being _comfortable_.

The only other things in the room were a covered hole in one corner and a few bowls filled with food and some liquid. Rodney didn't take too close a look at either, because he didn't intend to use them.

The large cylindrical contraption that served as an hour glass told him that still had quite a wait ahead of them.

Sheppard checked the walls a bit more closely, although it was fairly obvious to Rodney that the only way out was the door. Especially since the Maroo had taken all their weapons. Sheppard leaned against the wall opposite Rodney and then slid down until he sat, knees bent, hands folded on top of them.

The lines of brown paint on his face that were part of the preparation for the ritual were visible even in the bad light. They didn't even form any particularly interesting patterns, just four lines on forehead, nose, and both cheeks.

Rodney looked at the hour glass, but it was still full and even looking closely didn't make the grain inside move faster. Maybe this was the real test here: Fight the absence of anything intellectually stimulating.

He turned to Sheppard. "So?"

Sheppard looked at him for a moment and then back at the ground. He looked tenser than Rodney felt the situation warranted.

Sheppard hadn't said a word so far, not since reluctantly agreeing to the ritual. Rodney had been surprised at his vehemence when he'd argued against it. It wasn't that Rodney himself had been happy about it. Really, he'd been looking forward to an easy mission after last week's disaster, but instead they'd ended up with spears at their throats—again.

The Maroo had traded with the Athosians for generations, but apparently they were very reluctant to trade with people they didn't know. Teyla had been able to talk them into lowering the spears, but they wouldn't take her word that the Atlanteans were trustworthy. Which is where the trust ritual had come in.

The position of the Maroo, as explained by their Chief, was that words and gestures had no meaning if they didn't come from the heart. So in order to show their pureness of heart they'd have to perform the ritual which would reveal their True Self.

Sheppard had said, "Thanks, but no thanks." However, refusal to perform the ritual was as good as admitting you _weren't_ true, and so the spears had come into play again. They had argued for a while, Teyla trying to mediate, but in the end it had come down to fighting their way out or agreeing. So they'd gotten the special treatment from the Maroo make-up department and were pushed into this little room, where they had to stay as long as the grain ran through the hour glass.

"This isn't so bad," Rodney said, because he wasn't going to sit here silent for hours on end. "As far as rituals go, we've had a lot worse. And if we don't kill each other, they'll trust our people and we can get on with negotiations for their grain and fruit." Sheppard didn't say a word, kneading his hands in a way that looked painful to Rodney. "You don't have any urges to kill me, do you?"

That got Sheppard to look up. "No."

Which was something of a relief, because Sheppard did seem weirder than usual. However he didn't say anything else, so it was apparently up to Rodney to keep the conversation going. "I hope those fruits are as good as Teyla says. I really could have done without any sharp objects pointing at my neck for one mission." He looked at the candles that were flickering in the corners of the room. "I think she's really embarrassed about the whole thing. I mean _she_ suggested this mission." He looked at the hour glass. If you looked very closely, the cylinder wasn't quite full anymore. "Do you think they'll have noticed we're missing by the time the ritual is over? Maybe they'll send backup. I really hope we won't need it, but you never know how one trust ritual suddenly turns into 'and now you have to sacrifice these parts of your body.' Do you remember the tribe that wanted my brain? I don't even want to know what they were planning to do with it."

"Shut up, will you!"

Rodney stopped, surprised by the sudden outburst. Then something occurred to him. "Oh God, it's working."

Sheppard looked at him with a clenched jaw for a moment, before grinning his wide and actually quite threatening grin. "Yes, McKay."

Okay, sarcasm meant he was probably not going to kill Rodney. Still it seemed better to check. "So you have no urge to kill me?"

"No, but we're getting there."

Rodney pouted. Well, this was better than the silence, even if Sheppard still sat stiffly and alert as if any sudden movement would make him lash out. As if he could read Rodney's mind, he suddenly turned and lay down with his back towards Rodney. "I'll just try to sleep," Sheppard said by way of explanation.

"Right, because you'll be able to mid morning."

Rodney could see Sheppard's back tense. God, he was really high-strung today. Well, truthfully only since things had turned south and especially after the ritual was first mentioned. Rodney wondered what exactly Sheppard was afraid would be revealed as his True Self. Not that he believed in that bullshit.

"I don't see how they could drug us here anyway. So far I smell nothing but this stupid fur. The candles look and smell ordinary. And I sincerely doubt they have the technology for some mind-altering drug that's invisible and odorless. And I'm sure as hell not touching anything in those bowls."

Sheppard rolled over to face Rodney, his expression a bit more relaxed and almost hopeful.

"It's probably just a mind game," Rodney continued. "If you think your most hidden urges and desires will come to the surface you'll act accordingly, even if nothing is happening to you."

Sheppard sat up again, crossing his legs. "You might be right." The paint on the left side of his face was smudged a bit, which...

"Unless it's the paint." Rodney licked his finger than ran it over the paint on his cheek and then smelled and carefully licked it.

"No, no," Sheppard quickly said. "You're probably right. It's a mind thing. Plus, I don't really feel any effects." He looked at Rodney in a peculiar way that made him wonder once again, what Sheppard had been afraid of revealing.

"We'll still have to kill the time until it's over," Rodney said, looking at the hour glass which was finally visibly empty at the top. He was tempted to ask Sheppard about his secret, but he knew it would only make him tense again.

"We could play I Spy," Sheppard suggested.

Rodney looked around the room, before returning to Sheppard. "I spy someone whose True Self needs a brain transplant."

"Maybe I can take yours in the second part of the ritual." He grinned, obviously pleased with himself.

Rodney couldn't help himself. He laughed.

Sheppard leaned back against the wall, relaxed now, arms hanging loosely over his bent legs. He smiled one of his rare genuine smiles.

"You should smile more often," Rodney said. "You have a beautiful smile."

Sheppard tensed again, pulling his knees closer. Oh shit, had he just said that out loud?

"I shouldn't have licked the stuff." Because that was the only explanation Rodney had for saying such a thing to Sheppard's face.

Sheppard smiled, but it was artificial and painful to watch, especially in comparison to his relaxed smile just a moment ago. "Beautiful, huh?" And even his voice sounded artificially light.

Rodney didn't know what he could say. The words were out and they were the truth. It was embarrassing, but surely nothing compared to the terrible kind of secret he couldn't help suspecting Sheppard was harboring. "Well, yes. Handsome. Actually no, I'd go with beautiful, for your smile at least. The rest..." He trailed off. Maybe Sheppard's initial idea wasn't so bad. It might be better to just shut up while this lasted.

"The rest?" Sheppard naturally had to ask.

"The rest..." Rodney gestured vaguely at him. "The rest is handsome. Good-looking. You're very easy on the eye, all right." A smile crept onto Sheppard's face, even though his body still wasn't relaxed. "Sex on legs, I've heard you called," Rodney continued, unable to stop himself. "Although I can't for the life of me understand why women with multiple PhDs turn into teenage girls at the sight of your swagger and your smile."

"My beautiful smile."

"No. Your charming smile. That's the one they get to see."

"So, who are we talking about here?"

"Why do you want to know?" Rodney asked, suddenly feeling tense himself.

"Why wouldn't I want to know?"

"You don't want to date any of the scientists."

"How do you know?"

Well for one, to Rodney's knowledge Sheppard hadn't ever dated any of the scientists. Flirting in the mess had been the extent of it. And it just didn't seem right somehow. "I just do."

"Oh, now you sound like my ex-wife."

"You were married?" Rodney had known Sheppard for three years now, but he'd never heard about an ex-wife. Maybe there was something in the air after all.

Sheppard looked at the ground for a while, before saying, "Yes."

"What happened?"

"The usual, I suppose. She had her life, I had mine, and at some point we realized they weren't really compatible."

Rodney nodded understandingly.

"You're not divorced," John said.

"No, but some of my breakups with girlfriends have been that way. And I suppose the one with my boyfriend too." Okay, there was the compulsory honesty again. Rodney wasn't sure if there actually was some kind of drug in his system or if he was falling victim to the mind game of being trapped in here to reveal his True Self.

Before he could really contemplate it, though, he noticed Sheppard had tensed up again. His body appeared rigid and when Rodney looked down his arms to his hands, he could see they were clenched into fists.

Sheppard was taking measured breaths and Rodney's mind came up with one obvious conclusion which he just didn't want to believe.

"You're not homophobic, are you?" he asked, not entirely able to hide his nervousness. He couldn't believe Sheppard would actually hit him, but truthfully he didn't know what was going on in Sheppard's head. He glanced at the bowls and tried to measure their usefulness as a weapon or shield, just in case.

Sheppard swallowed and managed to grind out a "No" but it did little to relax Rodney.

"Well, I'm not really gay anyway. Kenneth was the only boyfriend I ever had." And it had only been a few blissful months of sex and science, nothing serious. "What's the straight end of the Kinsey scale again?"

"Zero."

"Then I'm one." He thought about the encounters in Russia and at McMurdo. "Okay, maybe two."

"Four," Sheppard corrected.

"No, two. One boyfriend in college, the rest were just-"

"I meant me."

Rodney stared. Sheppard was looking at him, but then he turned away. What? Sheppard was gay? Or at least not straight? "But you never... and all the flirting!"

Sheppard snorted. "Are you jealous?"

It sounded more like a challenge than a joke, and Sheppard was still far too tense to say anything lightly. This had to be one of the things he hadn't wanted Rodney to find out. Of course he needn't have worried. And Sheppard should see that. After all Rodney had just outed himself. He thought about the question Sheppard had asked him. Chaya, Teer, and Norina sprang immediately to mind.

"Yes," he said, realizing the truth of it.

Sheppard seemed taken aback by that. He thought for a moment and then said, "We should stop talking," before turning to lie down with his back to Rodney once more.

Rodney looked at him. He didn't really understand Sheppard's problem. After all it was Rodney who was one step ahead as far as revelations went. And _his_ had been revelations even to himself. He wasn't really sure what it meant that he was jealous of all the women, half-ascended or not, that Sheppard flirted with. Well, it probably meant his gay side wasn't quite as dormant as he'd thought.

He'd had stray thoughts of gay sex. Like some orgy fantasies, which involved quite a few people on Atlantis. Elizabeth, Teyla, and Ronon were always present in those. Sometimes Cadman too. Very seldom Zelenka. Strangely enough not Sheppard though. He remembered briefly thinking about him when he masturbated, but for some reason it felt wrong to have him there in a writhing mass of limbs.

But now that he was locked up with him in a small room after they'd both admitted to at least occasional gay contact, it was hard not to think about it. Not that Rodney was even trying not to. He wasn't really one for self-denial. If he gained some insight and new masturbation fantasies from this experience, he'd count it as a win.

Rodney looked down Sheppard's tense back to his ass, then up again to his neck, the only bare skin he could see in the position Sheppard currently was in. Rodney was tempted to reach out and touch, but he feared Sheppard would jump and possibly introduce Rodney's nose to his elbow, purely as a reflex. He still didn't understand what Sheppard was afraid of. Rodney wouldn't hold it against him that he was gay. Sheppard had to know that.

And he'd already admitted it, so what else was there? He probably had fantasies. Rodney thought about it: Sheppard alone in his room, naked on the bed, stroking his hard cock. And wow, suddenly his attraction to Sheppard wasn't quite so academic anymore. His gaze wandered over the lying form in front of him. He'd love to see him in the same position without any clothes.

Rodney shifted, getting on his knees and crawling just a bit closer to Sheppard. Sheppard visibly tensed and Rodney wanted to tell him that it was okay. It occurred to him that he had no idea how badly this secret had affected Sheppard. It was possible to be gay in the military, but it couldn't be easy, not for a career officer. Maybe he'd had to hide for so long he couldn't let go of the fear now.

Rodney could only guess how long it had been since Sheppard had allowed himself to have sex with a man. It hadn't been like that for Rodney. Being with another man had been something he'd done when the occasion presented itself, but it hadn't been something that he _needed_.

Well, except now, quite possibly. He wondered if Sheppard felt like this all the time, wanting to reach out and touch.

Oh God.

That had to be it! That had to be the explanation for Sheppard's behavior, and he might as well start thinking of him as John if he was really going to do what he was considering doing. John wanted gay sex. He'd already admitted it, but what he was still afraid of was actually _acting_ on it. He wasn't just thinking about it in a general sexual orientation kind of way. He was thinking about it in an "I might jump McKay if we keep talking about our relative gayness" way.

Of course he didn't have to worry there either, because Rodney wouldn't mind being jumped. No, he wouldn't mind at all.

Rodney crawled closer, so that he could reach out and touch but was in little danger if John lashed out instinctively. He took a deep breath and then made his offer.

"We could have sex." It wasn't really a surprise to see Sheppard's body jerk. "If you want to."

Rodney waited, but there was no answer. "We don't have to obviously, but if you're interested, and I think you are seeing as you don't even dare look at me, we could." There was still no reaction. John remained still and as stiff as the wood he lay on. "It doesn't have to mean anything. We can blame the ritual and pretend it never happened. Nobody even has to know."

"Stop talking," John said, stressing each word. He still didn't turn around to Rodney though.

"If you don't want it, you can just say so." Rodney waited, but the only answer was John's breathing. "If you _do_ want it, there's no reason not to. And just in case you're doing your 'thinking of everyone else first' thing, this won't exactly be a sacrifice for me. I'm half-hard just thinking about it." He stroked his cock through his pants. John was shifting now too.

Rodney smiled. This was going to work. He was going to have sex with Sheppard. He thought about those nights with Kenneth. It had been ages since he'd been fucked. Suddenly he remembered something. He crawled a bit towards the bowls, checking the contents more closely now.

"I think this one will work as lubricant."

Rodney only saw the movement out of the corner of his eye, and then he was bodily dragged back to the wall, one hand on his shoulder, the other around his throat. John stared at him darkly and for a second Rodney was afraid he'd misread the situation. But then, as he panted in fear, he realized that the grip on his throat was designed to keep him in place, but not to suffocate him.

Rodney relaxed and realized his panting had another cause now. He wasn't sure how much more he could learn about himself today.

"Don't start something you're not willing to finish," John said in a low voice.

Rodney nodded automatically.

The hands let him go and Rodney slumped against the wall. John just looked at him for a moment. Rodney's hand went to his throat of its own accord. His heart rate was slowly coming down again. Then John turned around and lay back down in the position he'd been in before.

Rodney caught his breath, only now able to process what had just happened. Was this John's True Self? He shuddered. And he had to admit that mixed with trepidation was anticipation. If John was only half as passionate when he fucked Rodney, he was in for a wild ride. And he wanted it more than he could have imagined.

When he finally felt relatively calm again, he crawled back to John and carefully put a hand on his shoulder. "I want to finish it."

John didn't react for several seconds, then sat up and got onto his knees mirroring Rodney's position. "If you're not sure..." he said, giving Rodney one last chance to say no.

Rodney didn't even have to think. "I'm sure."

John hesitated for another second and then he grabbed Rodney's face and kissed him hungrily. Raw need seemed to be driving him. Rodney swallowed a complaint when their teeth clashed, and then John's tongue was down his throat and Rodney pressed back, his arms tightly wound around John's body.

John pushed his groin against Rodney's and moaned as their erections met. One hand began to tear roughly at Rodney's clothes. His jacket was thrown into a corner and his shirt pushed aside to expose Rodney's neck to John's lips and teeth. John nibbled on one side of Rodney's neck then the other. Then he got out of his own jacket and pulled off Rodney's shirt, continuing down his chest.

Rodney held onto John's head for dear life. John's hands were everywhere, on Rodney's back, pinching a nipple, in his hair, in his pants to cop a feel of his ass. Rodney was thrusting in every direction, wanting more of John's touch.

This was unlike anything he'd ever done. He couldn't remember ever having a partner who wanted him like this, as if he needed Rodney like he needed air to breathe. John sucked on Rodney's nipples and licked his skin seemingly at random, every now and then returning for another wet kiss.

When he pushed his hand into Rodney's boxers, gripping his cock, Rodney groaned loudly. John pulled back to look at him for a moment. His make-up was a complete mess. And Rodney realized he hadn't really touched him yet. He pulled the shirt out of John's pants and kissed him once more before dragging it over his head, forcing John to let go of his cock.

It had been a while since Rodney had actually gotten naked with a guy. He ran his hands through John's chest hair, reveling in the feel of it. He couldn't enjoy it for long though, because John made short work of his pants and unceremoniously ripped a fur off the wall and threw it on the ground, before pushing Rodney backwards onto it.

Rodney looked up as John leaned over him, pushing his pants the rest of the way down, undoing the boots just enough so he could slip them off too. It was a heady feeling to have John taking in his naked body with such an intense gaze. Rodney licked his lips and lifted himself off the ground just enough to reach out and undo a button on John's pants. Eventually John was shaken out of his reverie, or maybe he was finally getting too impatient to wait. Either way, he hurried out of the rest of his clothes and Rodney lay back down, waiting for him.

John lowered himself on top of him, pushing his erection against Rodney's. He kissed Rodney on the mouth and then quickly moved down his body, tongue and fingertips leaving hot trails in their wake. When he reached Rodney's hard dick he looked at it for a moment and then gripped it hard. Rodney bucked his hips upwards.

He was ready to beg for John to just _move_ , when the hand stroked downwards and John licked firmly over the head of his cock. He sucked it in and took Rodney deeper until he had to remove his hand to take more and more of Rodney in, until he had swallowed his whole cock. Rodney couldn't breathe for a second. Then John started humming.

"Oh God."

Rodney wasn't sure what was hotter. The fact that John could deep-throat at all or that he was doing it right now, so expertly, so mind-blowingly. John's hands held his hips and then he moved his head up and down a bit and did something with his throat that had to be illegal in several states.

Rodney realized he was making some kind of noise, but it couldn't be helped. What John did to him was inhuman. Rodney reached out to lightly touch his messy hair, just to feel the connection to know that this was real and not just some amazing porn fantasy.

John glanced up at him with a heated look, without slowing down, and Rodney could only groan. John _wanted_ this. He wasn't just willing, he was hungry for it, and Rodney couldn't help thinking it was a crime against humanity if this man didn't get to do this on a regular basis.

Rodney's whole body tensed up more and more. The pleasure that ran from his cock through every part of his body threatened to become too much to be contained for much longer. He was going to come so hard.

But then John lifted his head.

Rodney whimpered. Before he could form a coherent sentence, John crawled up his body again. He gripped the back of Rodney's neck and pulled him into a messy kiss, swallowing any complaints Rodney was going to voice. Then he withdrew and moved away from Rodney. He left his hand on Rodney's neck and gripped his thigh with the other and then pushed Rodney and the fur towards the bowls.

Rodney shuddered. The sheer force which John employed sent shivers of anticipation down his spine. John straddled him, hand still gripping Rodney firmly. His look was almost predatory now and Rodney hadn't known that he could want to be under someone else's power so much. But he did. In this moment he thought that John could do anything with him and Rodney would let him.

John reached into one of the bowls and Rodney instinctively spread his thighs. John looked down at him and stroked his own cock as if showing Rodney how ready he was to fuck him. But then he reached down and pushed the glistening finger into his own ass.

Rodney's hips bucked from the sight. John was preparing himself to be fucked by Rodney. Rodney closed his eyes and took a few deep calming breaths. He was _this_ close to coming before he was even inside John and the thought alone sent the heat of anticipation coursing through his body.

When he opened his eyes again, John was gyrating on three of his own fingers. Rodney whimpered. When John looked up and saw Rodney watching him, he carefully removed his fingers and positioned himself above Rodney's hard dick. Then he steadily lowered his body until he was fully impaled on Rodney's cock.

He was tight and hot and Rodney desperately wanted to move, but then John closed his eyes for a moment and Rodney could only gaze at him in amazement. He'd been wrong. It wasn't just John's smile that was beautiful. There wasn't a part of John's body that Rodney didn't want to capture forever in his mind.

His stubbled cheek and neck, his strong arms, his shoulders, his hairy chest, his thighs, and the stiff cock that Rodney wanted to touch very badly, but didn't dare to, because he didn't want to disturb John.

A smile spread over John's face and he started moving up and down on Rodney's cock and opened his eyes. The moment their gaze met, Rodney put his hands on John's thighs and started thrusting up into him. John moaned and started riding him harder, fucking himself on Rodney.

Rodney leaned up and opened his mouth and John met him halfway in another deep kiss. They kept thrusting and kissing. Rodney's hand wandered up John's back. John cupped his face and then ran his hands along Rodney's body.

Rodney didn't think he could take much more of this. He reached out to finally touch John's cock and John groaned. Then he pulled Rodney's hand away and hooked his feet under Rodney's thighs. Before Rodney knew what was happening, John had flipped them around so that he was on top of John and still inside of him.

John's thighs were spread wide and his heels pushed against Rodney, urging him on. Rodney put his hands either side of John and started thrusting again. John threw back his head and groaned. Rodney kept on fucking him, eyes fixed on John's open mouth.

He had to kiss him again.

"John."

John's eyes focused on him and Rodney only had to open his mouth and lick his lips and they were kissing again, tongues pushing against each other. John's hands grabbed at him and Rodney changed his thrusts to slow and deep, because he couldn't keep up this frantic fucking. John moaned into his mouth.

Rodney had to come. He put one hand on John's cock again and this time John didn't pull it away.

"Rodney!" he groaned and Rodney quickly stroked up and down his cock.

That was all it took. He could feel John coming and pushed into him quickly again and again, fucking John through his orgasm until he couldn't hold back any longer and shot his release deep inside of John. He slumped down on John. His dick slipped out and he had just enough presence of mind to roll off of John, dropping down next to him.

God, he was never going to move again. They'd have to carry him out of here and wouldn't that be an interesting return to Atlantis? Rodney didn't think Keller had to treat a lot of people for fucking themselves into a loss of mobility. Or others. Out of the corner of his eye he saw John turning onto his side, his back to Rodney.

Rodney just about managed to turn his head. This was the sight he had wanted before and now he got it. And he'd gotten something he hadn't even known he wanted. He gazed down John's back. There were scratch marks that he couldn't really remember making. Nothing bad, but it was a visible sign of what they'd done and somehow Rodney was glad. He wondered if he had some himself. Maybe the little nibbles on his neck had left marks too.

He wished he had enough energy to reach out and touch John. Or to look at the hour glass to see how much time they still had. "John?"

There was no answer, but John's back stiffened slightly. God, Rodney had really thought they were over this. "Relax," he said softly, but John only tensed up more. Suddenly Rodney got worried. What if he'd hurt him. He only had hazy memories of John preparing himself. Maybe he'd been so eager that he hadn't stretched himself enough. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

Rodney flinched. This was the 'I'm fine' that he got on missions when John was shot or otherwise hurt, but just wanted Rodney to 'Go, go, go!'. He took a deep breath and rolled onto his side, then reached out to touch John's waist.

John moved out of the way.

"You have to tell me if something's wrong." Rodney checked the hour glass. They still had a bit of time to go. "If you're hurt, we'll get you out of here. I don't care about this trade. We can take them if we have to. John?"

John's shoulders tensed and then he rolled over and away from Rodney until he lay facing the wall where Rodney had sat down originally. Damn him. If he thought Rodney would just let this go and let him take his pain stoically for the good of the mission, he was very wrong.

Rodney lifted himself up enough to crawl over to where John lay. He put his hand back on his waist. "Talk to me. I'm not letting this go. What's wrong?"

John turned his face to look up at Rodney. Beneath the mess of paint was a naked need that shook Rodney to the core. He pulled back so abruptly that he fell on his ass. It would be comical he guessed, except this wasn't funny at all.

He moved away to the other side of the room, leaning against the wall where John had originally sat.

This wasn't just an opportunity to have sex with a guy after a long dry spell. John wanted this. He wanted _this_ , wanted Rodney. Suddenly his fear of being found out made much more sense.

Rodney couldn't say if it was justified. It was as if he was unable to think. He'd just had amazing sex with his best friend. But he hadn't really thought about his feelings, hadn't wanted to. It seemed like the sensible thing to do. They'd have sex and forget about it, maybe keep it as a memory for lonely nights. But John wouldn't forget it. Because it _did_ mean something to him. Rodney didn't dare guess how much.

The look in John's eyes haunted him. And he could imagine the disappointment when Rodney pulled away as if he had seen it himself. He looked over at John's naked back, the curve of the ass that he'd fucked.

He not only didn't know exactly what John's feelings were, he also didn't know what to do with them, no matter what they were. Before today, he'd been aware of John's looks in an abstract way. And there was their friendship of course. There was absolutely no denying that he cared about John, cared a lot about him.

And now there was definite attraction - hell, lust - thrown into the mix. He could see the parts, but he didn't know what they added up to.

He wished he could crawl back to John and tell him that it was okay, that he felt the same, but it would be a lie. He knew he felt _something_ , but he couldn't classify it, because he simply had no frame of reference.

What he'd had with Kenneth had been almost as passionate, but they'd really only ever been friends with benefits. His feelings for John were different, were more. He wasn't sure if it had something to do with the fact that they fought for their lives together, that he knew what the fear of losing John felt like. He just knew that he felt connected to John in a way he'd seldom felt with his girlfriends.

And he wanted to touch John again. He didn't want to forget this happened. He was pretty sure he couldn't even if he wanted to. He wanted John above and inside him, wanted to touch what he hadn't gotten to touch so far, like that beautiful back.

But he wouldn't lie to John, or make empty promises, just to get what he wanted.

However he had to tell John something, didn't he? He couldn't just crawl over and start touching him. Then again, why not? If John asked, he'd tell him the truth. But until then, maybe he could risk it.

He quietly made his way over to John and reached out to touch him, but then stopped himself. He didn't know how long John would give him until he put a stop to it, so he had to think about what he really wanted. Eventually he lay down next to him and put his hand on John's waist again. John didn't react.

Then Rodney moved forward and kissed his back below his neck. He could hear John's sharp intake of breath. Rodney stayed where he was.

"Please," he heard John pleading.

Rodney wasn't sure for what. So he moved closer and slid his hand around John onto his stomach, before kissing his way downwards.

"Stop."

It sounded so needy that Rodney had to ignore it, because he _knew_ it wasn't what John wanted.

"Stop," John said with more authority, and this time Rodney did stop.

He waited for a few seconds and then continued when nothing happened, and John made a small noise that Rodney only hoped would mean he'd stop fighting this. Unfortunately he was wrong.

John suddenly turned around and rolled on top of Rodney, capturing his wrists in his hands and trapping them to the ground next to Rodney's head. He was straddling Rodney and looming over him.

Rodney moaned.

"I told you to stop," John ground out through gritted teeth.

"Please," it was Rodney's turn to beg.

John kept him trapped beneath his body, looking grim.

"Please, fuck me."

Something flickered in John's eyes, and Rodney sent a silent prayer to whoever would listen that this meant he was going to give in.

"I don't think I'll be able to stop once I start," John said eventually, and there was a note of both helplessness and warning in it.

Rodney wasn't sure if he meant here and now or if he meant later, when they were back on Atlantis. He realized that it didn't matter, though. They'd never be able to go back to the way things were. He wasn't sure how they'd continue this, but he knew he wanted John _now_. Everything else would sort itself out later.

"Please," he said again, and he could almost see the walls that John had erected crumble to nothing.

John closed the distance between their mouths in a hungry kiss. He was still pinning Rodney to the ground and Rodney loved it. John's mouth moved along his cheek to Rodney's ear.

"I'm gonna fuck you," he panted into Rodney's ear, and Rodney shuddered.

Then John bit his ear before sucking it into his mouth. Rodney moved his head to the side exposing his neck. John didn't need to be invited twice. He nibbled his way down and up again as he'd done before, but this time he stopped somewhere below Rodney's ear.

He sucked and sucked, concentrating on one spot and Rodney thought fleetingly that everyone was going to see it. Then he realized this was what John _wanted_. The thought shot a thrill through his body, and he tried to lift his hips.

Still sucking on Rodney's neck, John moved further down, so that their groins were pressed together. Rodney bucked up, whimpering, struggling against John's grip. Then John bit him and Rodney bit his own lip to keep from crying out.

John licked over the mark. "Mine," he whispered.

"Yours," Rodney agreed.

John put one hand on the back of his neck and manhandled him back into the vicinity of the bowls. Rodney held onto him, pulling him into a kiss once they were there.

Then John's hand was suddenly at his ass and a wet finger pressed into him. Rodney spread his legs, groaning as John kept going until he'd reached Rodney's prostate. He ran the tip of his finger over it, pulled out his fingers and came back with two. Rodney was about to complain and ask him to go slow because it had been a while, when John's other hand gripped his dick and started stroking him.

Rodney bucked up and tried to take a deep breath around John's mouth. Then he relaxed and John's fingers slid deeper until they found his prostate again. He stroked Rodney's insides until Rodney was trembling from the stimulation.

John jacked him off harder now, and Rodney started thrusting into his hand and then back onto his fingers.

When John entered a third finger, Rodney wanted to shout at him to fuck him already, because he was never going to make it. But then the fingers were gone and John used whatever the substance in the bowl was to lube up his cock and positioned himself at Rodney's entrance.

He looked down at Rodney, leaned in and whispered, "I..." He didn't finish. Instead he pushed into Rodney, not stopping until he was fully embedded inside of him.

Rodney didn't breathe for a few seconds, just feeling John's cock filling him like he hadn't been filled in too long. Then they both started moving at once.

John didn't give him time to adjust and Rodney didn't want it. He lay spread-eagled, groaning between kisses, enjoying every second that John drilled into him. God, it had been far too long since he'd been fucked. And to have John inside of him like this just made it...

He had no adequate words for this. He put his arms around John and held on, loving this, loving this so much.

John kept fucking him, his hands next to Rodney's head. Rodney didn't want it to end, but of course it had to, soon.

"Rodney," John groaned and Rodney reached down and stroked his own cock.

This stimulation, together with John's thrust against his prostate made him come.

"Rodney!" John jerked irregularly a couple of times and then slumped down on him.

John was heavy, but Rodney still felt the loss when he slipped out. John moved aside a bit, but kept one arm and leg thrown over Rodney's body and lay his head on Rodney's chest.

Rodney ran his hand through his hair and kissed the top of his head.

They took their time catching their breath, and when Rodney checked the hour glass, it was empty.

"It's time to go," he said quietly.

John turned to look at the glass then back and nodded. He kissed Rodney once more, almost chastely, and then got up to get his clothes.

Rodney put his own clothes back on. When he slipped into his jacket, his hand lifted to the mark on his neck. It was above the neckline. Everyone would see it, both here and on Atlantis.

John stood next to him and touched Rodney's fingers over the mark. He stared at it for a while, and then his gaze turned to Rodney's eyes. It held both a question and a promise, then he looked back at the mark and leaned forward to kiss it softly.

Rodney cupped his face, as gentle now as they hadn't been during the whole ritual.

When John lifted his head away from Rodney's neck, Rodney captured his lips in a kiss. It was almost sweet, breathing into each other and Rodney knew that no matter what he wouldn't let this go and he wouldn't let John, either.

He wasn't sure what their future would look like, but he knew that what they'd shared today would continue. And he was looking forward to finding out more about his feelings for John.

He took John's hand when they pulled apart and they walked to the door.

They were still holding hands when they stepped outside together.


End file.
